Excerpt I wrote for my philosophy discussion

I believe that anything with consciousness, that is the ability to think and process, has a soul. Basically, humans and animals. I believe there are two fundamental differences.

Soul- A drop of water in an ocean. The deep part of our self that is linked to everyone else. What is eternal, potentionally recycled/reborn. Potentially, the 'ocean' is what we sense that makes us believe, deeply, that there could be a god/gods, something higher than us. We are aware of it on a subconcious level, making us mold it into our seperate diety beliefs on a concious level.

Spirit- The personality or individual. I believe your spirit can connect to other people's spirits, and everyone you interact with connects to yours on at least a very basic level. Some people are called "free spirited" which I think means embraces those connections but is not tied down or trapped by them. They don't feel obligated to stay connected to people that could make them "down spirited" which is, simply put, feeling like your spirit is tied down.

Because of the basic human connection, when you have two spirits that are close, people do things like say the same thing at the same time or 'sense' what the other person is feeling.

Some people have very tied down spirits and therefore reject the soul concept. They like to deny the fact that they are connected to other people, especially if they were negatively affected throughout their lives.

Everything cycles from matter to energy and energy to matter. If this energy is part of the soul cycle, then everything could potentially have a 'soul' on a scientific level. I believe it is only the living, animate creatures that are a part of the thinking collective soul and consciousness.

that's awfully needy

The frustration streak continues!!

Also, I have no idea how this works, but I ended up eating just dinner at 430 today (and some dry cheerios in a box/half an apple in the morning), but I am having an 'I do not feel cute or little in the slightest' day today. I feel crazy self-critical and squishy and out of shape. (It's tough going from a shaolin workout 4 out of 7 days a week - now it's been 4 days without one.) And, cultural anthropology is three hours too long and on the other side of the Mississippi, and there's a girl in Chinese discussion who has a constantly scornful expression on her face and likes to shoot it at me, and I have no motivation to accomplish things I actually need to do, like work out a ton, contact my astronomy TA about not being there for the first lab on Monday, or make a resume so I can start applying for jobs.

I need motivation...I need to work out...I need a job...I need my books to come in the mail...I need people to talk to so I can complain. :-/

At least socially it's fun to be back. I <3 Katrina and Holly and Claire, and Claire and I watched 3 gossip girl episodes in a row yesterday and had some great girl talk as well. Which is always good.

But, gah. This is overall not a happy-simone couple of days.

Random thoughts

Hello interweb, I have been ignoring you lately.

Break has been a lot of work, it's sad. I'm okay with going back to school, I feel unproductive here, I dislike Barnes. I wish I could take my friends with me though.

I really feel odd tonight. Lots of thoughts swirling around. I think I need sleep and a really long Reid hug.

Thought #1: I wish people got a more accurate representation of him when he visited. It feels like I'm dating a different person than everyone met, it's odd. Just slow to open up, which is fine, so am I. I just find it interesting how quickly he opened up to me, I have never experienced the shy Reid, not like that. I still have a lot to learn. I had NO idea how he would react to my family/friends, I overloaded the poor guy. I hadn't really thought about the fact that I didn't know he was shy until he came here. How strange is that? He told me, but I just didn't know the extent of it, I guess.

Thought #2: This is the longest I've gone without seeing him and it is making me realize just how happy I am when I'm with him. I want everyone, you ladies especially, to know the wonderful person I do. I have never been attached to someone like this before, it's the strangest feeling, letting someone care about you. I don't know what I was so scared of for so long. Vulnerable is a negative term usually, but it actually is kind of a nice feeling when you know it's safe. I flash back to the first week when I think about it. I think I was shivering partly because I was cold and partly because I was scared in a thrilling kind of way.

Thought #3: I really like learning with someone else.

Thought #4: A lot of people owe me "I told you so"s

Thought #5: Something feels off right now. Maybe it's that my school life and home life seem so different and separate. It's odd that they mixed for a week.

Thought #6: Why am I the world's confidante? I should be a psychologist.

Thought #7: I often wonder why people do/say things that I never would. It bothers me.

Thought #8: I apologize too much. For stupid little things. I think every time you say sorry you admit to doing something wrong and it raises the person you're talking to up a bit because you wronged them somehow and therefore owe them. So every time I say it I chip off a bit of my ego. And I say stupid things like "Sorry I left AIM, I had to go to the bathroom" "Sorry I didn't answer the phone, I had no signal." And then I say it when other people step on me or bump into me or something, when it's their fault.

Thought #8: I should start getting people to yell at me for that.

Thought #9: I have no idea what yelling is. I have never been yelled at. I just use it to mean people scolding.

Thought #10: I work at noon and should be sleeping.

unwelcome repeat

I'm posting like crazy. 'Cos I'm bored. Deal.

I'm realizing that I'm sort of only superficially happy at the moment. I am in love with being at Shao Lin as much as possible (5 times in 8 days, 3.5+ hours each time) but this year/time in general is really messing with me. I talked to Hannah about this at length in the car on the way back from Madison/dropping Katy off... I'll develop these thoughts here later I guess, but I just wanted to put it out there while it was on my mind. I'm in a good mood, yeah; I get to see close friends and live with my favorite family and do kung fu all the time, and I don't have classes or homework to worry about just yet, but there are so many stresses and things on my mind. I'm good at worrying. And I do it a lot.

Freshman year of college is sort of reflecting 6th grade for me. And I loathed 6th grade. It was pretty much the worst year of my life. (Fuck you, 2001-02.) But. I got through it. It didn't last forever. So this won't, either. I got through that, I'll get through this too, and be really happy again. I'm already ready for it to change... but I might have a ways to go yet. Anyway. Bedtime, up early tomorrow. Joy joy.

They say, "This too shall pass."
all the worrying about the future and money and guys and friends and what to do and where to go and how to do it...will work itself out. somehow.

New crazy long blog post(s) to TTL if you haven't noticed! And, in case I haven't said it enough, I <3 Shao Lin. Dear god. Saturday, Monday, Wednesday, now Friday, and tomorrow Saturday class again. :D It's brilliant. Best thing ever.


Not best things ever:
-not a whole lot of break time left
-so many plans to coordinateeeee
-NO money. I honestly don't know how I'm affording next semester.
-China costing too much.
-one week left of shao lin classes
-living with parents
-not looking forward to going back to MN

Things to look forward to:
CHINESE NEW YEAR

Casa Barnett feels like it's finally back to normal but not in a good way. It's interesting I'm really not sure I feel okay talking about this online. Everything else I'm not too worried about but I have this fear my mother will find the blog and I really don't want to hurt our relationship by having her read anything I wrote while upset... So I guess I'm saying today was bad. And if you want to hear about it please call/message and ask but I really don't want to write all the details here.