Going Home

I just got a call from jon's grandmother. I could go home saturday. I could ditch my twenty bucks for chicago trip and see katie and jon. It's so hard to convince myself that it's more important to stay here and connect. I was excited about my weekend. But now Im not cause all I can think is that I would be happier back there. Grrrr.... I hate this. I really do. And Lauren's distant. It's not her fault, I am her closest friend here. But she like... doesn't connect right? I keep thinking from time to time that she doesn't actually like me and then she's shows in some way that she does but it often doesn't seem like it. I think the way she acts toward friendship is just a different reaction to having alchoholic parents. I feel a need to overconnect. Instead she is distant. It just sucks cause she is my only friend here but like... doesnt count me or something? Cause she might transfer at semester and it feels like the fact that that would leave me alone and miserable doesn't really matter? I donno. Im pmsing like mofo maybe it's just that. Not having friends sucks. I feel so lethargic lately.... It's like I don't have the energy to go out and actually try to make friends. Besides ... there aren't really any people I want to know better anyway.