fear

I amuse myself sometimes. In an ironic, really-not-funny way.

This is a pretty good time of year to be talking about fear. (Oh hey, happy November 1st! Woooo!) But last night just got me thinking. You know when people would ask "What are you most afraid of?" and you get all the classic answers like "I'm so afraid of deep water" or "Definitely spiders" or "I can't stand heights." That question always made me pause, because I never could think of anything. Deep water? Sure, it's eerie, and drowning would suck. Spiders? I have no great love of them but except for exceedingly large gross ones I usually just ignore them or move them outside. My stomach drops if I'm really high up but I love it at the same time (and I especially love flying). So for a short, blissful while several years ago, I thought "Well, I guess I'm really not scared of anything."

Ahaha. Yeeahhhhh, okay.

That would be more accurately put as "I'm not scared of any thing." There aren't specific objects (or arachnids) that I can claim as my "worst fear." But hell, I'm one of the scared-est people I know. We all know I'm terrible at handling scary movies. I have the obvious number one fear, shared with most girls I know, of rape. But while that heads the list, god, there are so many other things.

And that's hard for me, since I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to admit personal "weakness" because I feel like it's not okay to be scared of things, that people will find me lacking in character or something, I don't know. I'm the girl who, when hanging out with a ton of guy friends, finds it really important to "fit in" and not fill the stereotypic image of the girl who just "doesn't get it." Funnily enough, I tend to fit in just fine. A large part of "guy humor" does, in fact, amuse me; I love action/spy movies; I know the name of the sporty car flying past us better than half the guys in the group, and it's me who recognizes the Mazda Miata MX-5 in the parking lot (True story. Me: "Hey, is that seriously a Miata?!" Girl in heels: "I think it's a Mazda, isn't it?" David, to me: "Wow, you're right, it is." Girl: "But I really thought that logo was a Mazda..." Me: "It is... it's a Mazda. Miata. MX-5." Girl: "Ohhh...haha!" X_x;;). I don't know that I could actually fight somebody (more on that later), but I do study martial arts -- something that Nate, for one, never seemed to be able to accept. Anyway, the great thing is, it's not a show I'm putting on -- I'm not trying to pretend, I'm just like that. My friend Claire (bless her) had her boyfriend come up one weekend, and she tried to pretend like she knew what we were talking about and her boyfriend and I would just laugh at her total lack of logical reasoning. Haha, we had a good time. Iono, just how I am I guess. (The car thing, at least, is definitely hereditary.) I've even found that with my mom sometimes -- I have very distinct aspects of both of my parents -- she just doesn't think like my dad and I do sometimes. (I think I think more like my dad but act more like my mom.) Anyway, I digress. A lot. Sorry.

So that's a huge fear of mine - not fitting in; being judged for being different or for not measuring up to expectations; not being accepted. That came into play a lot at Shao Lin too -- remember how nervous I was at being the youngest, the only girl, and not able to fight? (I was even afraid of tornado kicks, for crying out loud.) That's also why it was (and sometimes is still) so hard for me to initiate things sometimes (email, IM, text...etc), because I'm afraid I'll be "bothering" someone. I hold them in such high regard; they can't possibly like me nearly half as much as I like them. How annoying must they find this little girl... (etc.) That falls more into the realm of self-doubt than fear, but it's all connected.

I'm afraid of not being able to fight or protect the ones I care about; I want desperately to be able to do so but I'm incredibly afraid. Then there are the things like diving - I still can't dive into a pool or a lake. Throwing myself headfirst? I'm afraid I'll get hurt. I can't trust myself. That was the same reason I was afraid of cartwheels. (Look! There's something good we can accredit to Lucas. I can now do decent cartwheels.)

But the whole thing that got me thinking about this was last night. (No, not exactly because it was Halloween.) I hung out with Alan (aaaand now my brothers know his name...) the whole night, and it was super fun. (No marshmallows were necessary, Katie. God.) I had a great time, but when I got back I realized just how terrified I am of relationships. Right now we are indeed just friends and getting to know each other and whatever, but I don't think it's unrealistic to think the possibility is there. And I am physically ready for a relationship and have wanted one for how long now, and it gets down to it and I freak out. Like always. When Tyler asked me to homecoming junior year? Terrified. When Nate asked me to junior prom? Same story. Remember that Adrian kid who was at our choir concert? I freaked out when he called me at home (he got my number where...?) and invited me to his aunt's play (she's the one in our choir). I didn't go. And everytime a friend would be like "Hey Simone, Nic likes you..." I would just be like "Ohhh, no." And I would never believe it, either. "Dan liked me? No way."

(Sidenote: Wow, this is turning out to be a really fitting post for the PMS blog...heh...)

But you see what I mean? I always pushed them away. I like people I could never have, because I think on a subconscious level I know that since it can't happen, I won't be obligated to do anything about it. And then I get frustrated that I'm 18 and don't know the first thing about relationships or ... anything involved with them.

So it was a fun night, but left me scared, and not in a traditional Halloween way.
There are so many things I don't know.